Lately, I find myself more melodramatic, I do not know the reason why but actually really I know it much. There are so many contradictions appears in the same time, and yes I hate it much. But that is really what my feeling. Rain, petrichor, my mother, my old memories of someone that ever been in my life, the classical music that I love it much, my sobbing cry every time I sit down on after my ashar prayer until maghrib, the reality on my imagination world. Those are all connected.
I do not know what do I want to tell in this writing but yeah, I’m writing this with all my wet eyes. I want something happen in my life, like a happiness changing, like suddenly my mother come back home and say that she has been on a short walking, like I see someone stands before my door and wants to meet me once again, like I could come earlier in this world, and other things that will make me happy. Yeah, I know those are all impossible to happen but imagine if all those real imminently, I feel happy inside. Just on my feeling.
I believe that crying will not make us weaker but crying makes us stronger and know the best way to smile. I hate myself if I must show my tears to anybody like what I used to do. By now, I promise myself that I’ll show it just to Him. Yeah, maybe I’ll disturb Him much but now there is no place I can go except Him.
Just for nosey, I’m kind of person who likes to tell everything to my own self. That’s one way I do to cheer myself, even I can cry and laugh in the same time by doing that. And when I do it, no body will know. Just Him and me, and that’s real in clouds. In my talking I can be everyone I want, even being strangers who is just all in my imagination.
People said that we do not need to find a happiness because happiness is about our own, we create it. I think that’s a trap sentence. Happiness happens in any reason and not a coincidence. Yeah, we can take a very simple thing to cheer ourselves, like seeing a little cat in his curled up, like just try a little smile or whatever, but that’s the way how we be grateful to what we have, not for happiness. Hah, I’m tired. I do not know anymore what I’m talking about and I do not believe I have reached in my four hundred words just in my telling this unimportant random story of my lately feeling.
For my last words, I just want to tell something. Along in writing this, I’m listening to my repeated playing of a song “SMILE” sang by Barbra Streisand. I have another version of this song that I have been had it for a long time in Nat King Cole’s version. Yes, he is my favorite and I prefer to hear a male voice on the SMILE song. This is really heavenly and successful in giving me an inspiration to write this.